Love is a battlefield

It all started while driving...as it often does with me.  Windows down, perfect sunny day....Ms. Benatar & I were doing a killer rendition of her 80's hit Love is a Battlefield....when it hit me...love IS a battlefield...& not just when another person is involved.

Loving & appreciating my nature has come with limited challenges...believing myself to be a kind person there has not been very much self-doubt in this area. Now, I am not so arrogant as to dismiss the reality that I have done some pretty awful things...I have made choices & said things that have hurt people I love. By & large there has been more kind than awful & more caring than hurtful in my exchanges with people...with one glaring exception.

~no sh*t~

As a life long plumpy, my relationship with my body has been....tumultuous.  I have considered myself cute...even pretty.  But beautiful...desirable...or completely comfortable in my own skin?  Not so much. As a result, I have regularly reminded myself that beauty is a matter of the soul....not the body.  Mostly, this has been a way to survive...without totally loathing the vessel that carries my soul through this life.  Which, upon reflection makes me really sad....& pissed off.

It would be convenient to say that this is the result of something my family did or did not do or say. Or I could launch into a diatribe about the social conditioning that we are all subjected to our whole lives limiting our ideas about beauty. But for some reason, that feels like a cop out. There is no doubt that the external environment has been a powerful influence, but the truth is, somewhere along the way...I abandoned loving my body. The inner dialogue shifted & even though I knew it was happening...even though I knew it was bullshit...I did not fight...I gave in.

~there it is~

Having lived abroad for two years, my perspective of physical beauty has shifted.  Being removed from the constant barrage of images & talk of beauty standards gave me the space to not think about my body in terms of what is lacking.  Not having access to a full length mirror on a daily basis gave me the freedom to feel differently about my body.  I became vastly aware of all the things my body does everyday...regardless of how I look.  It was the first time, since my childhood, that I can remember NOT battling with my body...or rather, my feelings about my body.

There is so much chatter around what is beautiful & desirable, most of which has very little to do with what is beautiful & desirable...in my opinion.  Endless conversations about women; our skin, weight, hair, clothes & the never ending focus on vanishing, hiding, reducing & melting...whether it is pounds or wrinkles or grey hair.  As if these are the things that really matter. Yet somehow these external characteristics often become the focus of who a woman is...while the truly magnificent aspects of her are absent from the conversation.  

~if only~

Thinking of all the beauties that I love, the color of their hair or the number on the scale have never been part of why I love them....not even once.  At times, I witness these gorgeous creatures struggling with their own sense of beauty...& I remember that kindness is curative...for all of us.  I allow my love for them to flow...showing them how I see them...because really, that is what this is all about....being seen.

~friendly reminder from Hafiz~

We are made of so many different things....our bodies, ideas, humor, talents, challenges...all manner of elements mixing together culminating to create unique beings & we crave connection.  We search for others that challenge us, thrill us & see us. When we stumble upon a kindred spirit...someone who looks on us with kind, loving & familiar eyes...we connect...not only with them, but with ourselves.  They help us remember to be kind to ourselves...to look upon ourselves with loving eyes.  How can someone that does that be anything but beautiful?

Awk-ward

Mama always told me that being polite was about making others feel welcome & comfortable.  Daddie always said having good manners showed others you have respect for them & their time.  I've been thinking about both of these perspectives a lot lately & wondering what other roles etiquette plays in our lives.  How & why we choose to either follow the social contract with others...or not...& how those choices impact our path.  I have to say...it's been a pretty interesting internal conversation.

Let's face it...being polite is, in large part, about avoiding awkwardness.  Of course, it is something that cannot be avoided...we all experience it...daily for some...but I digress. Some of us can step in a big ol' pile of awkward only to shrug it off with little to no effort.  No need to get all worked up about it...sh*t happens. I am not of that sort.  Having not yet cultivated that particular skill....I do not handle awkward well.

~apparently this is not optional~

For example:  A while back a delightful stranger was making small talk with me at a party, asking if I was enjoying the summer.  My response..."I've experienced a paradigm shift & I've been focusing most of my energy on not completely flipping out." I'm paraphrasing here...but you get my point.  I immediately laughed trying to down playing the frankness of what I had just revealed & looked for an out.  Just in time, Juancho (my pup), became the culprit in a fictitious situation that needed  my prompt attention.  Shameless, I know...I'm not proud of it....but there it is.

Spoiler alert...that exchange was just the first...in a line of many...they just kept rollin' in...endlessly...like an ocean of awkward.  The universe has decidedly plopped me down into an awkward zone & so I have decided to take this opportunity to just go with it...which is exactly NOT what I've always done. Instead of getting bogged down in the uncomfortable messiness of it all...I've jumped into the fire with a little experiment in shifting my own internal paradigm.

~why the hell not?~

Observations thus far.

1. An audience of some kind is typically present to witness our episodes of epic gracelessness...them being strangers doesn't seem to lessen the degree of discomfort...in my experience
2. Sometimes we are the only victim of our awkwardness...again, this has not been my experience.
3. My friends are endlessly entertained by my tails of the awkward...thanks schadenfreude (taking joy in the discomfort of others)

Merriam-Webster defines awkward as not graceful, difficult to deal with or handle, causing embarrassment. Yup...nailed it...perfect description of what's been going on the last few months...no doubt about that.  It has been a bumpy ride...& there have been casualties...mostly my pride, ego & vanity so....no great losses there.  But there has been something in all of this that was unexpected...the great beauty, vulnerability & liberation that has come with embracing the awkward.  True, the blundering moments can be heartbreaking, infuriating or hilarious...but trying to avoid, contain or control life's awkwardness means missing out on some pretty amazing experiences...so I've stopped trying to mitigate the awkward...instead I'm just riding the wave...in all it's glory.

~i'm counting on it!~

So...where's the fridge?

My annual trek back to the states for a little R & R is up & coming.  Seeing family & friends is always at the top of my favorite activities list...closely followed by hot showers & eating all varieties of tasty treats that are hard to come by here in Guatemala.....yummie!

Other thoughts that come to the front of my mind when prepping for my trip home....mostly, thoughts of perspective & acceptability as it pertains to daily life. Now this might sound a bit intense but stay with me...this will be limited to the sliding scale of acceptability that occurs when one lives abroad.

Topics for your consideration:

~i wish i had a tub like this!~

Bathing: While living in the States bathing was an activity that I indulged in daily. While it is true that I only washed my hair 2 or 3 times a week, a shower was had every day.  Regardless of the activities of the day I always took time to have a nice hot shower at the end of the day before climbing into bed.  Oh how things have changed. Saturday is a VERY special day for me....bath day! That's right folks, from daily showers to weekly bathing, and depending on the amount of water available, my blonde locks may (or may not) get a rinse as well.

~pila...aka: fridge~

Food Storage:  One of the funniest parts of having new people on site is the conversation about food storage.  In case you were wondering...there are many items that I buy/use here that are the same as in the States: mayonnaise, yogurt, eggs, bacon, cheese, etc. The only difference is that none of these items sees the inside of a refrigerator once they have been purchased from the supermercado (supermarket).   People are always surprised to see the yogurt bottle floating in the pila (sink), the bacon in our cat-proof storage box on the counter, or the mayo in the cupboard, but my little cabin on the hill has no refrigerator & we love bacon...what else can I say.

Dog behavior:  Our dogs: Juancho, Amigo, Osita, Lucy, Indie, Obi, Suze & Zelda...that's right...8 dogs!  These lovely furry friends are wonderful to have around (mostly).  All of them are native Guatemalans that have joined our community over the years.  They are not only our pets, they also serve as security for our property and our persons.  As such, they tend to play really rough with each other....training for a time when they need to fight off a foe....which they have all been called to do from time to time.  As a general rule...when our dogs are roughhousing with each other we don't get involved...unless it is some kind of food dispute....all our dogs have deeply ingrained food issues & we don't want to have blood shed.  Aside from that we tend to step back when others might step in...letting the pack hierarchy work it out....sometimes to the discomfort of visitors.

~yes....lets!~

Enter the sliding scale of what I perceive to be acceptable.  It is so interesting to see our movement on this scale as our environment changes.  We adapt, adjust & ultimately reevaluate what we think we know...which is such an awesome gift....& an interesting adventure!

When I first arrived here I was bathing more frequently, steering clear of food items like bacon or yogurt & stepping into a roughhousing dog pile.  Today, almost 2 years later, I've grown so accustomed to weekly bathing that even when I can take a shower every day I don't.  I've gone from cooking bacon the day I bought it to buying it on Friday to eat on Sunday.  And when the dogs fight with each other while walking me home....well as long as they don't knock me down or tear my skirt...we're good.

Fidelia's Kitchen

One of my favorite things about getting settled in a new place is getting to know new people.  I have found, in my travels, that the best way to really enjoy any new place is to get an insider's perspective on the location. Do they have a favorite breakfast spot...who do they buy their produce from....where would they spend a sunny afternoon? As time moves on and I transition from getting settled to being settled, there is a shift in the kind of insights I am looking for.  I no longer need tips on where to get produce or where to spend a sunny afternoon...my attention has turned to developing friendships with my neighbors....enter Fidelia.

~Fidelia~

For those of y'all that have spent some time with Long Way Home, the name Fidelia will instantly resonate, but for those who have not had a chance to visit our project, a little introduction is in order. Fidelia is our neighbor. She lives near the park that many of our staff & volunteers call home while they are here in Comalapa. She is the proprietress of a little tienda (store) that provides us with things like cookies, fresh eggs, bread & beverages.  However, our relationship with her extends far beyond that of vendor & buyers...Fidelia is a part of our family here in Guatemala....& that is a wonderful blessing.

I met Fedelia many years ago, on my first visit here.  She instantly struck me as a kind, delightful person with a spunky nature that brought me smiles.  Even though I didn't understand much of what she was saying....a result of my extremely poor Spanish & her thick Mayan accent...I knew instantly that I liked her.  With each returning visit Fidelia & I invested a little more in our relationship.  Once I moved south & started calling Comalapa home, our friendship started to blossom even further.  

~here a chick, there a chick~

Here, many families have tiendas that occupy the front room of their houses...Fidelia is no different. Walking through the sea foam green doors of her modest shop, you get a glimpse of her home through the back doorway.  Chickens, scratching the ground for gnats & such, strutting past the door....or sometimes, into the tienda.  Her dogs, Clifford & Opín...lounging in the sun...or mingling with Juancho (my pup) & whichever other LWH dogs I have in tow at the time. But what started as an (almost) daily exchange of small talk, me standing on one side of the counter, her on the other, has evolved into a much more familiar exchange. These days, when I walk through the door of Fidelia's tienda it has become more common that I will end up in her kitchen than that she will come out to attend the counter.

This is where things get really good....in Fidelia's kitchen...or some other room of her house.  Over the past couple of years I have spent a good portion of my time with Fidelia working alongside her while we chat.  Not one to sit & watch, I have often jumped into whatever chore she happens to be doing when I stop by.  As a result I have "mastered" (my words...certainly not hers) several tasks that are a part of everyday life in these Mayan hills.

It started with an invitation to dinner.  Watching her effortlessly make tortillas, I asked to help.  I was granted one attempt...that ended with my tortilla on the floor. After a few seconds of begging, Fidelia let me try again, which ended in being told that my tortillla was "casi bueno" (almost good), that I was not allowed to make anymore & I would have to eat the one I'd already made....yikes! From there...a few cooking lessons regarding local delights.  I am now able to cook yerba...a leafy green with little yellow flowers that is quite delightful.  Also, güisquil (wiskil) a strange little vegetable that is a common ingredient in soups...but sadly, doesn't have much flavor...although with Fidelia's preparation instructions that has changed...yummie!  In case you are wondering...a decent Guatemalan tortilla has not been successfully produced by these hands.

~ güisquil on the vine~

Not too long ago she taught me how to shuck dried corn without damaging the husks, which are used to make chuchitos (tamale-like food item).  I have shucked corn by the bushels...so I know my way around a corn husk...but this task was new to me...& there was a learning curve...but by the third go I had it down... mostly.... according to Fidelia.  The time before that, we were preparing food for her chickens...& before that...shelling beans.  Always something new to learn....& she is a patient teacher offering lots of guidance....although she is not quick to compliment...if she does extend praise, you can be sure it is genuine.

While some of our time together is occupied with household tasks, there are times when we just hang out in the kitchen, listen to music on her little radio & chat.  The talking is really the most fun.  Granted, it can be a little complicated at times...my Spanish is improving but there is still much I need to learn....this inevitably frustrates both of us.  Several times we have spent a moment or two expressing that frustration...her in Kaqchikel (the Mayan language of these parts that is the first language of most of our neighbors) & me in English.  After a few minutes of ranting in our own native languages - that the other doesn't understand - we both pause, smile & giggle with each other...perfection.

 

The gift you'll never regret

Since my last blog so much has happened & I don't really think I can do justice in trying to sum up the events that have transpired from that blog to now.  So I won't even try.  Instead I would like to revisit a topic that I touched briefly on in my Shared time blog a few months ago.  The main subject of that blog was about how living abroad changes the time expats spend at home. I also mentioned volunteers & speed dating; since I really have no frame of reference on speed dating...I'd like to spend some time reflecting about volunteers, volunteering & awesomeness.

~In Zimbabwe...mixin' it up~

My first big volunteer adventure took me to Zimbabwe to work on building a school...huh, that sounds familiar...but I digress. Sure, I wanted to do something meaningful with my time...but I was 16 & the idea of traveling to a far off place was really the big draw...that & getting away from my parents for a few months (sorry mama & daddie).  I had done other volunteering before this...but nothing of this scale. Three months...all summer...which is no small commitment...especially for a 16 year old.  When I told my parents about my desire to make this journey they were...well, who knows exactly...all I remember is they said if I could raise the money I could go....GAME ON!!!

After some hard work & the support of so many wonderful family & friends I was off to Zimbabwe.  I had no idea what was ahead of me nor did I realize the long term impact that time spent volunteering abroad would have on me & my future.  My time there opened me up to new aspects of myself...in ways I never expected...it fostered a part of me that has continued to grow & evolve as I have moved through this life.  It was wonderful, painful, exhilarating, bittersweet & a thousand other emotions that I can't put into words.

Fast-forward several years & here I am...living & working for a nonprofit, doing development work in the west highlands of Guatemala.  If someone were to ask me how I found myself here the story would begin long before my trip to Zimbabwe; my parents were great examples of giving time & energy to others, but it was that trip that really shifted the sense of importance of volunteering for me.  Which brings me back to the topic of our volunteers here at Long Way Home.

~couldn't agree more~

One of the greatest joys of working in the field is the steady stream of volunteers that Long Way Home gets throughout the year.  Each volunteer brings something different to the table & with that comes the space to harness a cornucopia of elements.  Different skills, experiences, motivations & origins of our volunteers offer those of us here long term the opportunity to learn, to grow & to see our project through new eyes.  Whether the volunteer is a fresh faced first-timer who's never done construction work or a seasoned professional...the exchange is unique & memorable...for us & them.

As we are focused on sustainable building techniques, education & employment we attract a certain type of volunteer: those interested in learning more about how to affect change in these areas.  However, within that group we see a wide variety of people interested in working with us...which is awesome.  It is exciting to see people stepping outside of their comfort zones & trying their hand at something different. Ultimately, it is a learning experience for all of us...finding ways to work together towards a common goal, even though we all have different interests, skills & ideals. Collaborating, exchanging, experimenting....such a creative & dynamic adventure!  

~so true...so worth it!~

Now, I won't pretend that I click with every single volunteer that we have on-site, to do that would be disingenuous...sometimes personalities just don't jive...such is life.  However, I can say that every person I have met during my time here has brought something special to our project.  As a result, we are never short on possibilities...what a beautiful reality. For that, I am grateful, to each & every person that has offered their time, energy & resources to our project.

I am a huge fan of volunteering in general.  My volunteering experiences have shaped my views about volunteering & volunteers...they have shaped me.  Volunteering & working with volunteers has given me the opportunity to witness the generosity that pulses through our global community.  Whatever it is that motivates our volunteers to include us on their journey is a blessing.  For me, our volunteers provide an infusion of freshness, of change & of the possibilities to come.

So, to all our volunteers & to all those who volunteer anywhere...thank you!

PS: If you're looking for an opportunity to step out of your comfort zone...consider volunteering with us! We are loaded with kiddos, pups & of course...opportunities to learn about sustainable building! Check us out...warning...adorable cuteness ahead!!

Isn't it romantic?

~me & juancho enjoying the view~

In making preparations for my southern migration I had a basic idea of what I was getting myself into.  As a founding member of Long Way Home I had already made several trips to Guatemala over the years before I finally decided to up-root & relocate.  Being the Office Manger is something that I did from the States for several years, but with each visit to our project site my desire to be on the ground grew until I could no longer ignore the voice in my head urging me to just DO it! 

Living and working in a different country comes with all kinds of changes. In "preparing" for that there is a fair amount of romanticism...focusing on an exciting &/or mysterious quality about the adventure at hand. Guilty...although having a frame of reference from my previous visits defiantly worked in my favor.  Really the only thing I knew for sure...things are gonna be different...and that's exactly what I was looking for when I headed south....something different.

As I have settled into my life here in the western highlands I've observed that while there are a great deal of things here that are different....there is a sameness that I find very comforting.  I am living a totally different kind of life then I was in the States yet there are aspects of my day to day life that are not quite different or the same.  For example....

~one of my vendors~

Grocery shopping:

State-side:  this would include hitting one (or maybe two) specific grocery stores to collect everything need for a couple of weeks 

Guatemala: at least one trip per week (but typically 2 or more)  There are a couple of grocery stores in town but most of my food is purchased in the market. Packed with stalls selling all kinds of staple goodies...onions, tomatoes, carrots, etc.  On days I'm looking for something specific....well let's just say I have grown in my ability to manage my expectations....it's a crapshoot.  The bonus....sometimes I score some beautiful local honey or fat, juicy blackberries that I didn't even know I wanted! 

Cooking:

State-side: all the ingredients/supplies I might need are either already in my kitchen or can be easily procured in order to create tasty delights for all to enjoy....(I like baking so typically there is plenty to go around).

Guatemala: planning is key in this environment...that & the ability to fly by the seat of your pants when it comes to making substitutions in just about every recipe I know. Also required, the ability to adapt to a somewhat rustic cooking environment...my kitchen is AMAZING but it looks nothing like my kitchen State-side...no fridge...no oven...limited counter space & utensils.  Think fancy camping/outdoor kitchen.   With a little spunk & some creativity...I can still bake some pretty amazing tasty treats!

Reading:

State-side: this activity usually takes place in a variety of places...my back yard, front porch, at a park, by a pool & of course in bed.

Guatemala: actually...I live in a park so with the exception of "by a pool" everything else still applies. However, my view from the park here is a SERIOUS upgrade!

Commute to/from work:

State-side: hop in my truck...sit in traffic....spend time contemplating how to work from home or convince my boss to alter my hours so I can avoid the whole mess.

~the carpool lane~

Guatemala: grab my backpack & start walking w/ at least one dog in tow...usually Juancho.  It's about a mile door to door & during that time I get to see all kinds of visual gems. The growth cycle of whichever crop is soaking up the sunshine...right now it's corn, strawberries & peas.  The graceful shift in the sky as the sun rises. Wildflowers sparkling with drops of dew.  Every now & then a farmer walking to his fields with his cow(s).  It's lovely...even when it's rainy, muddy, dark or cold....just lovely.

When I talk to my friends & family about some of these things I am met with a look of either romanticism or terror...actually...it is some combination of both.  Usually I end with saying something like, "It's hard to imagine, you really have to see it" & "I know it sounds strange but I love it!"  In return there is smiling & nodding....& a hint of "this chic is a wackadoodle"....again, guilty.

So, this month marks 18 months of living in Guatemala....a bit of a milestone.  And this adventure has been full of amazing, challenging, surprising events...some romanticized...for sure.  There have also been some very trying moments...days...weeks...but that is true of any passage of time.  So I choose (most days) to focus on the rays of sunshine, the flowers in bloom, the blackberries & honey...& the opportunities for laughter that presents itself daily.

Shared time

Working in international development you meet a lot of people...a LOT.  Long Way Home has played host to volunteers from over 25 different countries & as a result, I have had the pleasure of getting to know people from all over the world. Each volunteer has a unique story that gets told over camp fires, playing cards & walks to market.  I have met divers, builders, teachers, nurses, social entrepreneurs...well, the list goes on & on really...people from all walks of life...taking some time to invest in their global citizenship....& it's awesome.....mostly.

~so true~

The down-side...it's a lot like speed dating (I imagine anyway - I've never actually speed dated).  By that I mean that just as you are starting to realize how interesting the person in front of you is...BING....time's up, please move to the next table....bummer.  There are times when I find myself on the brink of a potentially promising connection with someone new only to be slapped in the face by the reality that they will depart soon. Granted, there is some time to develop a friendship but, they are moving on to more adventures, more traveling or back to their normal life...& I am moving on also...to daily adventures in the life of an expat, work to be done & a new batch of volunteers.  The speed dating begins again.

It's a very dynamic energy stream in my life...with new faces comes new enthusiasm, new stories, & a renewed sense of excitement about the work I get to do each day.  There is a great sense of awe each time I meet someone who is passionate about being involved, traveling, learning new ways of building, & living new adventures.  There is typically a firestorm of exchange...ideas, philosophies, challenges, etc.

What makes this situation the most interesting to me is two-fold.  First, there are times when this limited interaction lends itself to the development of a deeper friendship with some of the new folks that I cross paths with....thank you Facebook. It is true that I stay connected with some of my new friends through
emails & chats on the "Holy book of Face"...which is a blessing.  I have had the opportunity to share some time with different friends that I met here in Guatemala while I'm state-side...& it is always a blast to catch up with them...see what they are doing now, look at photos of the progress made here on site, reminisce about some of the crazy things that happened while they were in-country....recalling our shared experiences.  

~livin' it up in the windy city~ 

The second interesting outcome is a new appreciation for the people that have been in my life for many years. You know the kind of friends I'm talking about....we were young & stupid together. In the early years it was ditching classes to go lay in the sun or hitting the concert scene during an endless summer.  In later years it was being their maid of honor & coming together to mourn the loss of a dear friend. It is the culmination of more than just shared experiences...we've shared time...great swaths of time.

~hey soul sisters~

There is a common experience among expats of feeling disconnected from their origins upon return.  In the time living abroad, engulfed in a new community & culture, we often have challenges being back in a familiar environment that has become strangely.... unfamiliar.  Often we struggle to make connections to those in our lives that help make this lifestyle possible.  And while I have found this to be true in some cases it is comforting to know that it doesn't always play out that way.

I think everyone can relate to the situation of needing a vacation AFTER your vacation.  There is often so much going on during a vacation that it can be a bit exhausting.  All that fun can be draining....which is the exact opposite feeling that we anticipate when we start off.  The primary goal of vacation....to have a moment to recharge, relax, and be nurtured by the comforts that are not a part of an average day.

~sunshine in seattle...let's hit the beach!~

So, after a 6 month stretch in Guatemala I made a trip state-side with one goal in mind...share some time.  Do a whole lot of nothing with the people that have been around when I've been wildly entertaining...& a complete bore.  The greatest gift of these friendships is that even if the only thing you do is lay in the sunshine...it's perfect....simply because you are sharing the same space.  No need to answer questions or think of something clever to say....just be....together. She can tell immediately if you are cranky....he knows exactly how to make you laugh out loud. There is comfort in the silence & you can breath easy in the knowledge that no matter how different your day to day lives are...there is a limitless connection...& that is what nurtures you.