I'm sorry...what?

~being happy~

I'm a little bit sassy....I like to flirt, paint my nails and be girly....I am, after all...a delicate peach :)  I say things like darlin', sugar, baby doll, honey...I love terms of endearment...even when addressing total strangers.  This is a product of my Texas upbringing....and I love it!  There is, of course, a flip side to the delicate peach.  I can change the oil or a flat tire on my truck (thanks Daddie), feed cattle & drive a farm truck (thanks Grandaddie & Uncle Keith), I'm not afraid to get dirty or mess up my manicure, and I can shoot you in the arse with some buckshot if you get out of line (thanks Mama & Aunt Kathie)...meaning, don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

While I am comfortable with all of these elements of me, I am used to moving through life in the United States....which means that I have the gift of being able to show myself without worry of being taken the wrong way...for the most part...and if I am taken the wrong way...my humor and charm are often the tools I use to calm the waters.  But things are different here...there are social rules that I am learning to adapt to.  There is a language barrier that limits my ability to clarify or make amends...something I'm trying to remedy.  None the less, their are a new set of  variables at play that give me pause.   So...when I find myself in a situation here in Guatemala that challenges me, I have to stop and think about the way I would react normally...and the way I will react here....the two are not always the same, sadly.

~a waterfall near my house~

I am learning to navigate things like not being able to: dress the way I  want, walking around by myself (especially after dark), display friendly affection....all of which can be difficult for an independent, sun-baby who is touchy-feely.    No shoulders, no cleavage, no skin above the knee showing...no taking unknown roads by myself, just to see where they go....no batting eyelashes, extra giggling or animated smiling at people I pass on the street...ugh!  Good bye sun-dresses, vee-neck T's, spaghetti strap tanks.  Adieu wandering into fields to lay in the grass to watch the sunset.  Adios to random hugs, smooches and other varieties of expressing kindness in my typical fashion.  We will meet again from time to time...but for now, I've got to put you aside....mostly.

Really, the clothing situation is not that big of a deal.  While I do find it a bit annoying, it's not the end of the world...and it just makes me more excited about getting to wear my fun clothes.  The affection element...let's be honest...is difficult for me.  I was raised by huggers, kissers, hand-holders...we are a very affectionate bunch.  It is something that I have always loved about my family.  To be free to reach out and show them that they are loved and appreciated and vice versa.  To offer love and comfort without words..it's an amazing feeling.   I have carried this into my adulthood and curbing these tendencies is taking some effort...serious effort.

The lack of freedom of movement I feel at times is hands down the most difficult for me.  It is limiting and frustrating.  Being raised in Texas one thing that has been infused into my DNA is a love of wide open spaces.  Exploring, trekking, laying in new places....watching a storm roll in, star gazing, enjoying the sights and sounds of my surroundings...being quiet in nature and absorbing...everything.  Well, finding an outlet for this particular need is difficult.  I'm not saying it is impossible, because it's not...just difficult.  I have invested in a new security system...so I'm confident that I will be able to address this to some degree because it is against my nature to be so...confined.

~Juancho (aka) personal security system~

Earlier this month we celebrated International Women's day...and by celebrate I mean that I took some time out of my day to think about all the amazing women in my life and the MANY gifts that they have given me.  I spent some time thinking about all the women who have gone before me...living, loving and fighting for their sisters, daughters, mothers, themselves...to make this world more open for all women.  It has been interesting thinking about this through the lens of my current environment and community where I find myself limited because I am female.  Trying to find a path that allows me to be myself while also respecting the culture and protecting that which is mine.  It is an peculiar experiment that reminds me that....I am truly blessed....to have strong amazing women in my life...to have been born at this time and to have the chance to see how life for women is different...but familiar....no matter where I find myself.