Remember to lean in

After reading a recent blog of one of my favorite poet, writer, goddess friends...I felt inspired.  Reading her words gave me a shot of courage to write this blog...thoughts that I've been chewin' on, or better, thoughts that have been chewin' on me.  I'd been debating the pros & cons of exposing myself like this in a blog...trying to weight the possible risks & rewards.  Then, the stars aligned when I read the words of my friend, "Honesty heals...show up authentically"...it resonated with me....& I could heard my inner adrenalin junkie say, "f*ck it...take a chance!"

Many years ago I packed up my life & moved across the country to participate in an uncertain but exciting journey.  I had no idea of the road ahead & held little expectations other than that of adventure.  Granted, it was a little crazy...but a quote I have long valued played on a loop in my mind, "Take into account that great love & great achievements involve great risk." (Dali Lama).  Oh, the mystery...too luscious to resist!   I was deeply entwined in a love affair & I was ready to explore the shimmering landscape of unknown possibilities.   So without hesitation or fear I allowed myself to dive into the intoxicating warmth of mutual adoration & the thrill of countless new experiences...it was glorious.

Years later the affair ended...it was not a scandalous or bitter end...just an end...but I felt that I had gambled...& lost.  It was a big gamble, the loss I felt was vast & in that vastness...I became a shadow.  It wasn't a conscious choice...but, I wanted to hide.  I wanted shelter...I wanted to become risk averse...to limit the possibility of losing.  So, I entered a cave...not only allowing, but encouraging myself to hibernate...to hide away.  I told myself that it was good...time would allow space to heal, to grow & to find a way protect myself in the future.

During my hibernation:
I grew...doubtful...self-conscious...lonely....afraid.
I gained...pounds...insecurities...disconnection.
I found...excuses...isolation...barriers.

I carried on with my outer life, accomplished some things, spent time with family & friends, traveled.  There was laughter, joy & other indications that I was happy....& some of the time I was.  But more often, I was hiding, letting the distance between who I am and who I was becoming grow.  I used to be somewhat fearless, a bit bold & a little wacky.  I was becoming scared, apologetic & lost.  I lived in that space for so long that I forgot myself.

Then I escaped.  Giving myself permission to lean into the possibilities...to imagine...& yes, to risk...again.  It didn't happen overnight...but it did happen.  


Loss is inevitable...we all know it.  Sooner or later we all gamble...sometimes we win...sometimes we don't.  But losing (or rather fore-fitting) the ability to take a chance  is crippling...it changes us in ways that can remove us from who we are.  It was a grand adventure, of this there is no doubt.  Just like any huge gamble, the result was life changing...looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way.  There will be other chances to take a big risk....& next time, I might loose...but I won't loose myself.

My Mama often reminds me that we all have choices...sometimes they are shitty choices, but we have them & not making a choice...is making a choice.  It's a bit confusing..but that doesn't make it any less true.  I think the same can be said of taking chances.  When it comes to taking chances we all have a choice.  Give up control...see how things play out....no matter the outcome...it will probably be pretty interesting!
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